Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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