Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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