I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
