I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
