what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
