Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
