The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
