i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
