She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize