Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
