Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
