It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
