Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
