I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
