omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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