sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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