I am midnight drunk by noon
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
