She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
