There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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