This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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