I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
