Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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