im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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