Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So squirting runs in the family.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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