i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
