Swine flu. Run for my life!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
