god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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