I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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