this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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