My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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