Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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