He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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