her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize