a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
