The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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