My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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