I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
