I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
