if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
