i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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