I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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