I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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