Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
either way he was missing a nipple.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
