also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize