i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
