Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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