The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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