so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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