I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
