Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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