So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Every concussion has its silver lining
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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