Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
