I skipped work to stalk him.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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