swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
