quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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