I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
