I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
