im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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