The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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