Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
