Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
