I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize