remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
this just has baby written all over it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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