I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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