If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
