Where did you get a picture of my penis
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We left an ass print on the piano.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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