He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
