I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
