You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
