my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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