seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize